Is Out of Sight, Out of Mind?

Over the last few weeks kids of all ages have returned to school. Some of these children and/or adults have not seen each other in months yet they resume their friendships as if no time has passed. They are laughing and playing together the same as they always did. Nowadays we have so many ways of staying in touch with people through social media, phone calls, and text messages so the older you get the rarer it might be to have no contact with someone for months at a time. However, a little kid who spends the summer with grandparents in another country, at sleepaway camp, or simply busy with other friends may not see their school best friend or talk to them at all during their time apart. And yet they pick up right where they left off and probably don’t even think about their time apart from one another. These relationships are held together even though there has been no contact. Maybe you have a friend or colleague you haven’t seen in years that, you too, can pick up with as though no time has passed. I think it’s quite special if we can do that. I also recognize that many people cannot do this. Those of us that can might take it for granted.    

 According to John Bowlby, a prominent psychologist and psychiatrist, attachment is a clinical term used to describe “a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings”. Bowlby’s attachment theory highlights the importance of a child’s emotional bond with his or her primary caregivers. Below is a brief overview, with generalizations, of the various types of attachment styles:

·      Secure Attachment — This is considered a secure attachment style. Individuals are confident in their ability to meet the needs of others and have reasonable expectations that their own needs will be met. Secure individuals typically have more positive views of themselves, their situations, and the intentions of others. They feel cared for by others and feel close to people with whom they have intimate relationships.

·      Anxious/Ambivalent — This is considered an insecure attachment style. Highly anxious individuals may have negative self-views, feel unwanted, have difficulty trusting others, and often seek reassurance and validation from others. Sometimes the person who inhabits this attachment style can be viewed as clingy because of their anxiety.

·      Avoidant/Dismissive — This is considered an insecure attachment style. Avoidant individuals seek independence, control, and autonomy in relationships, have negative views of their partners, are uncomfortable with closeness and emotional intimacy, and believe they cannot rely on others.

·      Fearful/Disordered — This is considered an insecure attachment style. Fearful individuals experience both anxiety and avoidance. They want to be in close relationships but they lack confidence in themselves, their partner, and their relationships. They may have difficulty connecting with others, have an extreme fear of rejection, and feel inadequate.

Attachment styles form in infancy and early childhood and can have ongoing effects on close relationships into adulthood. Close relationships refer to romantic, friendly, and familial ones.

Looking at various children returning to school and seeing the way they connect to others exemplified a secure attachment style. Many children didn’t fear that they were forgotten about. Out of sight did not mean out of mind. But being brought back together meant connection. Time had passed but relationships hadn’t changed for the worse. Of course, there will be times that can happen, and it won’t mean that someone has an insecure attachment style; it might just mean that people change and drift apart.   

Having a secure attachment helps in all aspects of one’s life. Going into a new classroom when all your friends are in another class can be hard for a little kid and make them upset or angry. All acceptable feelings. However, if they have a secure attachment style, they can trust that they will not be forgotten about and the connection does not have to be lost.