We Don’t Talk About…
The saying goes, there are three things you shouldn’t talk about: politics, religion, and money. I’m sure everyone can come up with a plethora of reasons why you wouldn’t want to discuss these topics with friends, family, and coworkers. Mainly, because it’s uncomfortable. What if you disagree and then a huge argument ensues? What if hearing someone’s political beliefs changes the way you look at them? These are not easy conversations to have but there are also valid reasons why they sometimes might be worth having.
A week before the election, a close friend shared with me how she voted. I think she felt it was important to let me know she voted differently in this election. In the moment I acknowledged her statement but didn’t engage in the conversation. It was only upon reflection that I decided I wanted to hear more about her current political beliefs. I think one key factor in being able to have that conversation, when I chose to have it, was that I was in a different headspace. My emotions weren’t heightened and therefore I could hear her rather than react without listening. I think passionate topics such as politics often put us in a space where we want to convince others to see things our way. We’re ready to argue. We’re ready to tell the other person why they’re wrong. I simply told this friend that I wanted to hear more about why she voted the way she did. I acknowledged it is sometimes hard for me to have these conversations. She said, “why, I can have my opinions, and you can have yours”. She made it sound so easy. So, I asked a few questions and listened to what she had to say. A few times I chimed in with what I thought but then she asked for specifics on some topics and I didn’t have those answers ready. I think that’s when people get tripped up and sucked into the back and forth. They debate facts but don’t seem to realize that often people can no longer agree on the facts. Furthermore, the debate leaves people thinking more about their next point and less able to hear the person they’re talking to. I stopped and let her continue to talk. I focused in the moment on listening. Afterwards, I thought a lot about our conversation. I don’t share in her viewpoints, but we didn’t disagree on everything either. I have a much better understanding of what things she took into consideration when voting this election. I had questions that got answered. I appreciated the honest conversation and still value the friendship.
For many people the last eight years have felt especially tough when it comes to discussing politics with loved ones who they either fear or know voted differently. These patients question how to maintain a relationship and whether they even want to try. People feel a range of emotions that include sadness, anger, disappointment, and fear. We speak about how they feel, what they ultimately want, and where to go from here. It helps to think through these questions before diving headfirst into these tough conversations. Using therapy first to release feelings in an unfiltered way has lots of benefits. One benefit is that you can let it all out without worrying about upsetting someone else. You can sort through what you want to say and what you might not want to say. You can think about what it is you want and need from the other person. Most importantly, by the time you’re ready to go into the conversation you will probably be in a calmer place. If you were to go in raging, you would be ready for either fight or flight and that would probably put the other person into a heightened state also ready to fight or flight. This can easily lead to screaming at one another or storming out/hanging up. At that point everyone stopped trying to listen and was focused on their own comebacks.
I have helped patients talk to loved ones about politics even though they whole heartedly disagree. Some patients have been able to express their feelings to people close to them while also listening to their loved ones. These are not easy conversations to have. These are not fun and lighthearted things to talk about. Still, these discussions can be possible and at times important to have. I believe that most people think they’re doing what’s “right” (if there is such a thing) and best for themselves and others. If people can find a way to listen and not just focus on what their rebuttal will be there can be more understanding. I won’t pretend that there will be agreement, but I think that can be okay. We don’t have to agree with others on everything to still care about them, respect them, or to have a meaningful relationship.
I won’t pretend that all conversations will be as civil as the one I had with my friend. I fully recognize that there are times when these discussions aren’t worth having and not talking might be the key to maintaining a relationship too. I believe it’s always worth asking ourselves the question what can I gain and what can I lose by having/not having these conversations? Once you have an answer you can go from there.
