We Are Family
Who are the members of your family? Who are the people you want to spend holidays with, the ones you want to confide in, and the people you enjoy texting/talking to on the phone? Do the same people come to mind when you try to answer both those questions?
Lots of people come into therapy and talk about their parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. Naturally, when I ask someone about their family those are the people that come to their mind. But those aren’t always the people you feel most connected to. Some people maintain a close relationship with family members because they feel pressure to. A child must rely on his or her family for emotional, physical, and financial needs. Even when parents or other family members fall short of providing those necessities a child usually has nowhere else to go and adapts, in some way, to the situation. Relationships are created and tend to evolve over the course of that child’s life. As children grow into adults they become individuals with their own beliefs, values, and ideas about what life is and how they want to live. Sometimes they realize that they see the world drastically differently from the people who were around them when they were growing up. This can create issues that result in a complete disconnect and possibly a break from the family or at least from some family members. Other times, individuals accept how different they are while also trying to find a way to maintain some form of a relationship. This might mean they agree certain topics are off limits or they keep to casual and superficial conversations. I often work with clients to determine what type of relationship they want with their families and what is possible. Sometimes those two things look very different and there is a grieving process once you let go of what the ideal relationship with your family will look like.
There are also many people who have a close relationship with family members because they find it enjoyable and effortless. Not all families are full of immense conflict. There are a lot of people who consider their siblings or parents to be their best friends. Since this is what people often think family is like I think it’s important to highlight this isn’t always the case and I would argue often not the norm.
What does the word family mean to you?
I continually hear people talk about their relationship with their friends and the way that relationship mimics a family relationship. I imagine to most people the word family sounds stronger and more important than the word friends. That might not be true for everyone.
Family does not have to be about connecting with the people who raised you or who you share a blood connection with. Family is about forming relationships with people you like spending time with, trust, and share a similar outlook on life. Family can be something we create for ourselves at any point in time. Maybe you have had the same best friend since kindergarten and after 35 years realize she is more like a sister to you. The friendship you formed with someone in your early 30’s became such a deep connection that you spend every Thanksgiving together with that person and his family. Or maybe your parent’s friend became someone who you trusted so deeply that they were the person you called on for advice. Sometimes a person doesn’t have a deep connection with their own family by blood but formed something special with their spouse’s family. For some people family means three close friends at a holiday dinner instead of twenty people who you might not actually like. Family is about knowing you can count on someone to drop whatever they’re doing to be there for you when you’re in a crisis. It’s the people who know everything about you and still want to spend time with you even when you’re having an awful day. Family, whatever that word means to you, can be important because everyone could use someone else to be there for them for support on good and bad days. There’s no right or wrong way to have a relationship with your, “original family”. However, I do think it’s important to be intentional and let yourself think about what that family is and maybe what it’s not.
Family is what you make it and what you want it to be.
