About two months ago I was working out at the gym while watching The View. The women on the show were talking about relationships and joking about the fact that if a man or woman is in his or her thirties and have never had a serious relationship it is a sign of something wrong with them. Therefore, someone interested might want to be weary of starting a relationship with that person. I found myself getting fueled up on the elliptical as I listened to this insensitivity from women who I generally found to be intelligent and caring.
I gave thought to their rationale and here are the reasons they may have in their mind about what’s “wrong” with the single person:
- This person is afraid of commitment
- Something must be off with them if nobody has wanted to date them
- They’re inexperienced either physically or emotionally
My immediate thought was completely different. Has anyone considered that maybe these men and women haven’t experienced a significant relationship because of these reasons:
- They know what they want in a partner and don’t feel they should settle for less
- They feel shame about being inexperienced either physically or emotionally
- They didn’t want a serious relationship until they figured out who they were as an individual
Truth is that my first thought went to sex. Let’s hypothesize that these non-serious relationship people are virgins. Does that change how you think about their situation? Think about it… How many people in their late 20’s and 30’s do you know that are virgins? I know quite a few amazing individuals who are. I also understand that there is plenty of shame around being a virgin when you’re past a certain age. These men and women are not all waiting for marriage but they may be waiting for something meaningful and special. Unfortunately, it has taken them a little longer to find that.
Here’s the catch 22, they want a serious relationship, they want intimacy, they want sex, and they want love but they are at the point where it’s scary to date because at some point they will be asked about past relationships or sexual experiences and they are embarrassed to talk about their inexperience. Think about how the hosts on the view joked about this topic. People are worried their dates won’t understand or will think something is wrong with them. What people don’t understand is that there are valid reasons people have waited. People should not have to be embarrassed to explain their past. For those of you reading this that can relate to what I’m talking about I want you to know there is nothing wrong with you.
Let’s repeat that again. Nothing is wrong with you.
There are reasons you’ve waited. I know you would leave yourself vulnerable to explain these reasons to outsiders. But if you feel ready and desire a serious relationship you will find understanding people out there who want to know everything about you. They will respect you and they won’t judge you for your lack of serious relationships, instead they’ll feel special that you chose to be with them.